Finding out you’re pregnant after a miscarriage is a whiplash of emotions; excited, scared, grateful, anxious, happy, and unsure to name a handful. It’s like you’re on a carnival ride you can’t get off.
This new level of emotional awareness causes you to make some questionable choices in the name of sparing yourself another heartbreak.
I know because I’ve been there… twice.
Take it from me, continuing to do these things isn’t going to bring you the peace you’re longing for.
#1: Stop Testing
The first time I got pregnant, I took a total of two tests after the initial positive result. The first was taken at my sister’s house because she wanted to experience the excitement of the digital “positive,” and the second was at the doctor’s office on my first visit per their request.
It never occurred to me to keep testing I already had the positive.
The second time around, I had a series of 4 or 5 tests over the course of a week, just to make sure. I left them on display in the bathroom because I needed that extra bit of reassurance.
By my third pregnancy, I had been tracking my cycle religiously. I had my big box of cheap tests so I was testing insanely early at 8 days post ovulation (8 DPO). After that first faint positive, I was testing every day and creating photo collages of the positive pee sticks getting darker.
Sis, at some point, the line doesn’t get any darker.
The continued practice of daily testing becomes an unhealthy obsession that only continues to feed itself. It doesn’t matter how many positive tests you can display on your countertop like trophies the outcome isn’t going to change.
At some point, you have to let go and let God.
If you’re feeling overly anxious reach out to your OB and see if they can’t help ease your mind with an early ultrasound.
#2: Get off the message boards
After feeling so isolated after my second loss I sought out other women to connect with on Trying To Conceive message boards. Something about the anonymity of it felt safe to me.
As most of us do, I had friends who had gone through a similar journey who I also talked to but I found myself pulling back so I could be a support for them.
Trying To Conceive (TTC) message boards can be helpful during the conceiving process providing advice, encouragement, and a sense of sorority with other women going through the same struggles.
However, once you’ve gotten that positive test, get out!
Unfortunately, some women will still be looking for comfort even after becoming pregnant which will only start to worry you. You’ll start questioning if your positive test lines are dark enough (leading to the obsessive behavior described above) or if that little bit of cramping is normal or how much spotting is too much spotting to be just implantation.
I also witnessed some unnecessary online bullying and spats that completely defeated the purpose of the threads.
I saw a lot of women start Facebook Groups so they could move the discussion to a more positive place which is a good option if you still need that connection.
#3: Stop Waiting To Share the News
Waiting to share about your pregnancy until after 12 weeks seems to be the standard advice. You can’t un-ring that bell without some emotional fallout.
I’m always going to advocate for you to do what makes you comfortable. If you know you’re not ready then go with your gut and just skip this section. This one is for those mamas still unsure whether or not they want to share and need more reasons why.
I shared the news of all 3 of my pregnancies immediately after finding out I was pregnant. I will tell you I have zero regrets even though the first two ended in losses.
Miscarriage is isolating.
I learned shortly after sharing my story that two of my close friends were also going through fertility struggles and had both experienced at least one miscarriage. My immediate reaction was heartbreak knowing exactly how they were feeling.
I also felt guilt for not being able to be there for them while they were going through it.
In reality, I had nothing to feel guilty about. I didn’t know what I didn’t know but that’s my point. In the not telling we aren’t letting our support system support us.
I don’t want to go down a sticky rabbit hole of pointing fingers and blaming tellers or non-tellers. I just want to point out that if you are someone who needs to be covered in love and support during loss, sharing your pregnancy is the way to get that.
I’m not saying post your positive pee stick on social media before it even dries (if that’s your jam though you do you) but maybe give a ring to the people you’ve starred as favorites in your address book. They’re going to be the ones to hold you up when you’ve lost the strength to stand.
If you’re anything like me, as soon as you got that second pink line you had a list in your head of people you couldn’t wait to tell. Those are your people. There is a reason they made your list.
I was still in my first trimester with the twins when my husband’s grandmother passed suddenly. She was that family member. You know, the one at the reception of your wedding asking when you’re having kids. I’m supremely grateful that we got to share with her that we were pregnant with twins before it was too late.
So as I said before, do what in your heart feels right but I’m team share the joy.
#4: Stop Letting Fear Steal Your Joy
This is the hardest bit of advice to follow because your feelings are valid and near impossible to shut off.
It’s scary. You’ve been here before, maybe more than once. Your natural instinct is to shut down and guard your heart because what if it all goes wrong?
What if everything goes right though?
This moment is real. You really are pregnant. Give yourself permission to celebrate and bliss out on the possibilities of the future.
There is so much to get excited about: hearing the heartbeat for the first time, ultrasounds, and belly kicks.
Take all the weekly belly photos. Do that super cute pregnancy reveal for your partner you’ve been planning for like, ever. Reactivate those nursery Pinterest boards or better yet start new ones with your new dreams.
Journal! Document how you’re feeling. Write a letter to the baby (or babies) letting them know how much they are loved, wanted, and prayed for.
Cry. Cry for happiness and cry for fear. Let it all out and purge it. It’s all healthy.
Just don’t forget to let in the joy.
Mama, I know you’re worried. I know telling you to stop doing these four things is futile.
I’m here to tell you it does get easier.
Eventually, you will get to a place of more peace. You’re never going to feel fully okay until you have your miracle(s) in your arms. Even then you’ll just have new things to worry about.
My biggest advice after all that, let go and let God.
